So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
