Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
