If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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