someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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