god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
