i may or may not be watching the land before time
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
