If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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