fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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