I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
