I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize