there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We smell like vodka and hangover
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