whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
