it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
