How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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