my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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