i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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