My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i drank out of a bidet.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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