new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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