Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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