Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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