cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
