The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
