I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
