he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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