Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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