yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
