Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
