I looked at my own cervix.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
