I need to stop coming to work sober
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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