If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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