I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
