my shit smells like andre
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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