I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
