I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
