I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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