who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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