Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize