i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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