ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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