Sponge bath it is.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
