I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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