I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
someone get that fucking seahorse.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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