I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
