3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I love you. Go after that dick
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
