hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
