I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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