every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
