My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
