Well douche your snatch and let's go!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
