They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
