Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
