I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
