I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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