i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
