Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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