All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
