Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize