who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
