thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
