My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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