I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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