At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
