I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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