His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
