I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
