and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
