counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
