Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
