By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
