my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
